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"Christianity- the belief that a cosmic jewish zombie wishes that you worship him, drink his blood and eat his flesh so he may remove a sin put on you at birth because a naked woman ate fruit from a magic tree after a talking snake told her to."

a friend’s Facebook status

• Harry: I've been doing a lot of thinking, and the thing is, I love you.
• Sally: What?
• Harry: I love you.
• Sally: How do you expect me to respond to this?
• Harry: How about, you love me too.
• Sally: How about, I'm leaving.
• Harry: Doesn't what I said mean anything to you?
• Sally: I'm sorry, Harry. I know it's New Year's Eve. I know you're feeling lonely, but you just can't show up here, tell me you love me, and expect that to make everything all right. It doesn't work this way.
• Harry: Well, how does it work?
• Sally: I don't know, but not this way.
• Harry: How about this way? I love that you get cold when it's 71 degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend the day with you, I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night. And it's not because I'm lonely, and it's not because it's New Year's Eve. I came here tonight because when you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible.
• Sally: You see? That is just like you, Harry. You say things like that, and you make it impossible for me to hate you, and I hate you, Harry. I really hate you. I hate you.
• [They kiss]

"…you can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future."

Steve Jobs

• Jess: I don't understand this relationship.
• Harry: What do you mean?
• Jess: You enjoy being with her?
• Harry: Yeah.
• Jess: You find her attractive?
• Harry: Yeah.
• Jess: And you're not sleeping with her.
• Harry: No.
• Jess: You're afraid to let yourself be happy.
• Harry: Why can't you give me credit for this? This is a big thing for me. I never had a relationship with a woman that didn't involve sex. I feel like I'm growing.
• ...
• Harry: It's very freeing. I can say anything to her.
• Jess: Are you saying you can say things to her you can't say to me?
• Harry: Nah, it's just different. It's a whole new perspective. I get the woman's point of view on things. She tells me about the men she goes out with and I can talk to her about the women that I see.
• Jess: You tell her about other women.
• Harry: Yeah. Like the other night. I made love to this woman, and it was so incredible, I took her to a place that wasn't human, she actually meowed.
• Jess: You made a woman meow?
• Harry: Yeah. That's the point, I can say these things to her. And the great thing is, I don't have to lie because I'm not always thinking about how to get her into bed. I can just be myself.
• Jess: You made a woman meow?

"Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?"

Glee

• Harry: You know you just get to a certain point where you get tired of the whole thing.
• Sally: What "whole thing"?
• Harry: The whole life-of-a-single-guy thing. You meet someone, you have the safe lunch, you decide you like each other enough to move on to dinner. You go dancing, you do the white-man's over-bite, go back to her place, you have sex and the minute you're finished you know what goes through your mind? How long do I have to lie here and hold her before I can get up and go home. Is thirty seconds enough?
• Sally: That's what you're thinking? Is that true?
• Harry: Sure! All men think that. How long do you want to be held afterwards? All night, right? See there's your problem, somewhere between thirty seconds and all night is your problem.
• Sally: I don't have a problem!
• Harry: Yeah you do.

"…she’s down there sitting on a curb, chain smoking and waiting for me to come out, just like the day I was born."

Jenna, 30 Rock
in reference to her mother

"Art is like masturbation. It is selfish and introverted and done for you and you alone. Design is like sex. There is someone else involved, their needs are just as important as your own, and if everything goes right, both parties are happy in the end"

Colin Wright